Lost without Love in the Leaf Village
by TheKaliflower
Summary: Team 7 tries to find out who Kakashi likes.
1. Hag Messup

"Late again!" Sakura shouted to me as I approached them.

"Hey Kakashi, what's your excuse this time?" Naruto teased.

Team 7 had called a meeting for 5 pm, and as usual, I was late—again.

"I was reading my book, I didn't see the time," I didn't think I had used that one.

"You said that yesterday!" Naruto squinted at me.

"You really need to make up some new excuses--" Sakura started.

"--Because the ones you have aren't working," Naruto finished.

"Oh, come on," I felt my eyes widen and my feet back away. "You haven't been dating for a week and already you guys are finishing each others' sentences!"

"But that's just it—you are the only one we know who doesn't have that special someone!" Sakura cried.

"Except Gai," Naruto corrected.

That name sent spasms through my body. Gai, Gai, Gai, I sang in my head. I could feel my mind drifting away from my body when I stood there, thinking of Gai.

"Kakashi?"

Naruto's annoying voice cut through my dreams. Good thing most of my face is covered.

"Just totally ignoring you and pretending to pay attention," I explained. "So why did you call this meeting anyways?"

"We wanted to know—" Naruto started.

"—Who you love!" Sakura finished.

"Who I love…?" I repeated. "I don't love," I lied.

Sakura saw through my act of defiance.

"Liar! That look you just gave us proved that you love someone! Naruto used to daze out like that last year!"

"Tell us…tell us…" Naruto waved his hands in my face.

I whacked them out of the way. "I won't tell. If that's all that you called for, I'm leaving," I shuffled away from them quickly.

I heard them say before I was out of earshot, "We should follow him around, see if he ever gives away who he likes." I walked faster.

I turned the corner, hoping to lose them.

"Man," I mumbled. "Didn't they listen to anything I taught them? Their footsteps are as loud as my mother's!"

I stared at the ground, hoping not to 'give away who I like'. And, because of that, of course, I ran into something soft, bulgy and purple.

"Watch where you're going, you filthy ninja!"

The wrinkled ladies all turned their heads at the shouting.

"That ninja crashed into the Chair-hag of the Hag Council. And she's already in a bad mood… He's in for it," the murmurs went through the crowd quickly, spreading like the Flu on a rainy day.

"The Ch-ch-air-hag of the Hag C-Council????" I stuttered.

Official Ninja hater of the Leaf Village, the Chair-hag was the meanest of the mean. With an army of Hags, she runs around causing mischief to anyone who sells to the ninjas—everyone.

"That's right you horrible head-banded bum. I am in a bad mood today and I don't like self-centered ninjas who doesn't look where they're going!"

I was in a hurry; the footsteps were getting closer. "I am sorry, Chair-hag of the Hag council," I said innocently. "I didn't mean to." Wish I'd ran into her instead. "Can I buy you some flowers to make up for it?" We were standing next to Ino's store, probably the next victim of the Chair-hag and her army.

Her face light up. "Flowers? Oh I just love those nice daffodils they have."

"I will buy them now if you'll excuse me," I said escaping the Hags and Naruto and Sakura's chase by slipping in the store.

I walked up to Ino.

"I need some yellow daffodils for the Chair-Hag," I said curtly, ignoring Ino's look of pity.

"Sure thing," Ino responded just as curtly, but the pity was still in her eyes. "That will be 225Ұ." [Approximately $3CD]."

I grunted, took out the money gave it to her, grabbed the flowers and walked briskly out the door.

"Oh!" the Chair-hag exclaimed. "You got my favorites! And they're in full bloom too!"

She snatched them away and showed her friends. I left them to their business and started walking again. But before I started, I heard a snippet of conversation coming from behind the bushes.

"Kakashi-sensai loves the Chair-hag of the Hag Council???"

"WHAT????"


	2. The Old Man and The Short Blond

"Darrrn," I muttered. I just turned down the main street, going back the way I came, hoping to find myself a sanctuary. "Now they are going around thinking I love old Hags."

I decided to stop by the hospital, make a roundabout and start running on the roofs instead. I would leave a note on the hospital wall that would say:

**To Naruto and Sakura:**

**My Stalkers**

**I DO NOT LOVE THE OLD CHAIR-HAG OF THE HAG COUNCIL.**

**Oh, and try to keep your footstep sound level to a minimum.**

I passed the hospital, left the note and jumped on the roof. I hid there while I listened to my team's footsteps, man they where loud. And they were talking.

"I don't think Kakashi loves the Chair-Hag of the Hag council," Sakura's voice.

"But he was probably too embarrassed to tell us, because she hates ninjas," stupid Naruto.

"I don't think that's the case, Naruto."

"But you saw him, he got flowers for her and she was all happy."

"But _he_ wasn't."

"Where is Kakashi anyways?"

"I thought you knew!"

Footsteps were getting closer. I braced myself.

"Look!"

"It looks like Kakashi's writing!"

"_To Naruto and Sakura: My stalkers—_"

Naruto snorted. "Stalkers???"

"_I DO NOT LOVE THE OLD CHAIR-HAG OF THE HAG COUNCIL._ Told you so. _Oh, and try to keep your footstep sound to a minimum._"

"FOOTSTEP SOUND???" Naruto bellowed. "When I get my hands on him, he is dead-meat—"

"Calm down Naruto," rustling, probably Sakura stopping Naruto from tearing down the hospital. "He has a point. He's probably around here somewhere. The ink is still wet."

So I have one properly taught student. But that was my cue. I went to the edge, facing the nearest building. One, two, three, JUMP! I flew through the air, and across the road and landed a few feet in from the roof I was standing on. Hope they didn't see me.

I took off, making tiny _tmp_-ing noises while I ran. Much quieter than them. I headed towards Shikamaru's house. Only one who would understand.

I saw the green roof and landed on it lightly. I jumped down to the balcony of Shikamaru's room. I looked in. Sleeping again.

I knocked.

He twitched.

I knocked again, but louder.

He turned.

I knocked as loud as I could and he rolled over, got off the bed and squinted at me.

"Kakashi? What are you doing here? Someone stalking you again?" Bright boy. His voice came muffled through the glass.

I nodded. "Let me in!"

He slid the well greased glass door and let me in. "Who is it this time?"

"Naruto and Sakura want to find out who I love."

"Nice."

"Can I stay here?"

"Sure."

"Thanks."

"Shuddap. I'm sleeping."

Oh, well. I took out my book and started to read.

One hour later…

One hour later, Shikamaru started snoring. I had gotten lost in my book and someone was knocking. I made my way down and opened the door. An old man with pink hair sticking out from under his hat was standing next to a blonde woman.

"Hello young man, we are here to give you an interview about a love show and what you think about it," Sakura pushed her way into the house.


	3. Glumpf, Glumpf

Hey, sorry about the delay. I posted multiple to make up for it.

Tanks,

KisuSakurai

Tanks for:

- Inkaide (Sister) for reviewing. I like reviews.

- Other reviewers!

* * *

"Hello young man, we are here to give you an interview about a love show and what you think about it," Sakura pushed her way into the house.

"Hey!" I shouted as they came in.

They made there way to the living room, oblivious to the fact that I knew who they were. Sakura patted the couch beside her to signal that I should come and sit. I had a plan, though simple, and I was going to execute it as soon as the time was right. I played along and went to sit.

"Have you seen the dating show? The one with the old dude doing it? Of course you have. Everyone has. Well, we want to know if you like it. Of course you do. We are going to give you some questions that you will answer after you watch this episode of it." Naruto spoke quickly, not waiting for me to answer.

Sakura started rummaging through her bag. She found a tape put it into the TV and pressed play. The TV made this awful noise, and obliviously it shocked Naruto and Sakura. Not going as planned.

"If you will excuse me, I will take your leave and use the facilities while you try to fix the tape," I said it formally, but they were too busy trying to figure out which way the tape goes in to notice me talking. I made my escape, jumping back onto the roofs and continuing to run around the Leaf Village. I made my way to the Hokage's tower [-thingy] and atop that I took out a piece of paper and started making myself a list:

People who will save me from my stalkers

_Ino_

_Chouji_

_Neji_

_Tenten_

_Lee_

_Kiba_

_Hinata_

_Shino_

_Iruka_

_Anko_

_Asuma_

_Gaara_

_Haku_

I hate Ino because of the pity in her eyes when I bought the flowers, so she's out. I started crossing out the people who wouldn't help me.

"Neji is to obsessed with himself, Lee looks too much like Gai," I mumbled. "Hinata's gonna support Naruto. Oh, and Haku's dead." I frowned. My list looked wasn't very big.

I started with Chouji and headed to the convience store on the way. Never know when you need some chips to help convince him. I reached it, jumped down and went inside. I took out my wallet. Just enough for a bag of chips.

"Ketchup, dill, pizza, sour cream and onion, all dressed, hamburger, cheddar, salt and vinegar," The clerk told me when I asked him what types of chips they had.

"Uhhh…pizza." I think he likes those. Wait, PIZZA???

I paid him grabbed the bag and dashed out and charged to Chouji's.

I knocked on his balcony. No response. Eating. Duh. I opened the bag of chips. Chouji's head snapped up and he slowly turned his head to face me. Whoa.

I waved the bag. "Girl trouble."

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

"Can I stay?"

"Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

I took that as a yes, sat down and went over my list again.

* * *

Chouji was still eating and it had been five hours. I decided to go for a walk. I walked downstairs and opened the door.

"Ahhhhhhh…fresh air…" And then, sooner than you can say Kakashi, I was blindfolded, gagged, and tied up.

"Glumph, glumph!"


	4. Rape?

Hallo~

This is one more chappie of ~Lost without Love in the Leaf Village~! By the way, this is the last chappie of this series. I wanna change the name to ~Yaoi! Dating Disasters~ because you know, he can't be lost without love forever. The new series is the same just with a different name. Maybe from a different person's perspective, though. Anyways Tanks for reading! I like reviews! Review if member please!

Tanks,

KisuSakurai

Tanks to:

- Inkaide (Review on her story! Search 'Meowz! I'm an ex-nin!')

- Vildarra

- Your name here (I'll put your name here if you reveiw for recent chappies)

- Other Reviewers!

* * *

"Glumpf, glumpf!"

* * *

I woke up. I was in a dark room, or on the street at night. My captors had bound me tightly, and had used some sort of tag so I couldn't use my replacement justu. Shoulda gone to Gaara first.

I could hear them not too far off, discussing different plots to make me speak.

"Abuse?"

"Rape?"

"Naruto!"

"Bribery?"

"Guesswork?"

"Uhhh…"

"Harassment?"

"Rape?"

"Assault?"

"Rape?"

"Uhhh…"

"Rape?"

"Get the Chair Hag to sit on him?"

"Rape?"

"NARUTO! Enough with the raping!"

"Uhhh…"

"I know! Let's hire Gaara!"

"To rape?"

Great. Harassment by Gaara. Lovely.

They started moving me, dragging me across the floor like I was heavy.

"Why you…" I said, but it came out as, "Mmmmhn moh…"

They put me in some sort of ve-hicle [cart-ish thing], and we set out for the Sand Village.

* * *

A few hours later…

A few hours later, I started to hear voices. One low, one medium, one annoying (Naruto) and two girls.

"Whaddya want?" Kankuro.

"We need Kakashi to tell us who he loves." Naruto.

"Why us?" Temari asked.

"Gaara can do whatever takes to get it out of him." Cruel, cruel Sakura.

Gaara snorted.

"Please?" What kind of a man says please? Not that I should talk.

"What do we get in return?" I can image Kankuro eyeing them. Him and his makeup.

"Uhh..."

"You can help us match him with his love?"

"Oooooooo I wanna do that!" Temari cried. "Can we do that, please, can we, please, huh, can we?" Whatta winer.

Gaara snorted again.

"Take him inside to the IR." Kankuro.

"IR?" Naruto.

"'Intimidating Room.' We do alot of this stuff."

"We can't watch, but it's worth it." Temari informed them. "Only Gaara is allowed in the IR."

It took all of them to move me, Gaara stood to the side, but they managed. I'm not _that_ heavy. Oh, if Mother could see me now.

We arrived at what must've been the doorway of the IR, and Gaara rolled me in. He took off the blindfold and the gag. The room was very large. Along the walls were white pillars that came up to arc over our heads. The tiled floor was cold and marble. Gaara stood a few feet away, with his back to me. As I looked past him, I saw a TV in the shadows and a very big mirror. In the mirror sat a wide-eyed me, and a sullen-faced Gaara.

After a few minutes, he faced me.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAMOOOOO!" He cackled at me. "WhO Do YoU LoVe KaKaShI???"

Woah.

"Umm... What're you gonna do to me if I don't tell?"

"SuMtHiNg VeRy EvIl!!!"

You know, he is very intimidating when he TaLkS LiKe ThIs.

"Like what?"

"HaRaSs YoU TiLl yOu TeLl!!!"

Hard to get an answer outta this kid.

"How will you do that?"

"I dO NoT kNoW YeT, KaKaShI!"

"I'll give you a minute to think."

* * *

Dumb kid. It had been an hour and Gaara had assumed the Thinker position when I told him I would wait.

As I watched, his eye twitched and he slowly got up and grinned at me.

"I have a plan." He said it normally for once. "I will tell you about that time I saw Neji in a bikini in a really high voice mixed with the Intimidating Voice."

Dang. [I lost the game! - Inside joke.]

"I have a better plan. Why don't I just tell you?"

"I like that."

"I love..."


End file.
